OK

Trying to make it through the day with NO MOTIVATION sucks a bunch. Well I am going to get through this day and get the fuck out a little early. Find me a man to put on my bruised feelings and go on about my week. thank all that is holy and good that tomorrow is Friday. I am not sure I could take anymore days this week.

 

 

wasted

I am not sure there is anything wrong with my issue. maybe it is the fact that I am supposed to think something is wrong with me. I have never met a man I want to have children with. I have never met a man who I wanted to have around to eternity. I have never met a man who made me blissfully happy. Never been so happy I cried. Never been filled with the joy of a man's love. I have been forgotten, unappreciated, neglected, marginalized, abused and made to feel like I wasn't enough. Where is that fucker. That bastard ass piece of a prince that the stories all say is coming. Well where the fuck is he. He is late... probably dead.

 

Not that i haven't been wanted. Being wanted is a nice substitute for love. but it doesn't last. Because it is based in parts and portions. so ya you think I'm hot sexy. Guess what You ain't along. every niggah in the club thinks I look fucking smoking in this mini.

 

Someone who truly cares. Calls you if you haven't called. comes to check on you when you are sick. Calls you if your facebook post just seamed "a little off". Nope none of that here. And I get to sit and watch all these average and ugly women happy and blissfully supported by men who actually look at them like they are the world. A man who loves them flaws and all.

 

Puzzled by the process. have never maybe will never find someone

Missing

Well now isn't this a fine predicament. been in this thing for 3 years as his chick on the side. Wow let a  change begin and a motherfucker will jump ship like no clue. What I am not allowed to have a primary relationship that I put first. Yes that does mean above your ass. You are living with another woman. I mean really do you think that i can take a commitment to you into consideration. Let me spell it out to you. You can not have a primary relationship at home and another one in the streets. No that still makes me the girl on the side. I mean I have no complaints about the perks of the position but there will not be any stupidity on my part thinking that I will be more to you ever. I am not stupid, young, foolish, or naive. You can try that story on the next one. Time well spent is never regretted. but staying too long can be a bitch on the psyche.

 

 

Monday again

Monday is here again. I am tired as all get out. But it was a good weekend. I didn't get to work at all but hey what are my evenings for anyway right. looks like i will be at work 12 hours a day for a while at least.

 

Woot vitamins.

 

Had another great weekend starting on thursday again. I think I may be addicted to a man again. what the hell. why can't i just put my mind on me some time. of well.

 

My room is spotless my kitchen is clean and my laundry is sorted into bags by wash type. I am at least on top of my house work. So I guess I am not loosing myself into this one as bad, which is good.  Today we will try to get our hair done or at least dealt with. Then tomorrow begins Laundripalooza.

 

so bored and ready for tuesday.

Wow that was a good stop to the shit

OK so the shit storm stopped with the death of a good friend. In the midst of it all I end up in the arms of a guy who used to be just a friend of years. kinda wonderful guy. shorter then i am usually attracted to, but any guy who finds you a headband to hold your hair while you throw up from the depressive bender, then proceeds to stay with you for a couple of days to make sure his boo is ok. Well its a new kinda odd start after a couple of disasters. Wow. really just wow of how ugly shit can get. Things had me so stressed I spent the first night waking up from nightmares about pain death and fear. Lots of fear. Johnny you are my superman. coming out of that shit to calm gentleness puts your mind back to reality gently. Reality where no one is hurting me or my people. Reality where I am safe and warm and cared for. I slept for 30 hours with that man. And I do mean slept. Like I was in a coma. Wake eat potty then back to the warm sleep cloud. never been cuddled that good in my life. I feel rejuvenated and just a little sleepy if you can believe that.

 

 

 

 

Well if it aint raining

Another friend to  bury.

Short walk in the rain

At least it was a short walk in the rain when my car broke down this morning. Oh yeah. I am not feeling this. I have been stuck in so many shit storms it just feels like that is the normal for my life. If something isnt going horribly wrong you aren't looking in on my day. It does get to be too much though.

 

 

Well its another day at work,

Why am I hiding at work. Well my dating life has been so bad lately I have contemplated just batting for the other team till I can get my shit together enough for a man to be bothered. What the fuck. People are supposed to be perfect or at least be perfectly happy about their situation. Guess what some of use are bitter about their situation. And constantly being told its wrong doesn't help the feeling. Constantly being told you are too negative doesn't help me feel any better about the day. I don't know how to be positive. No correction I don't know how to take the daily disappointment of being positive. at least if I am expecting the worst I get to be pleasantly surprised when something good happens.

Thoughts

why is it men profess to not want a slut. but if you don't sleep with them on the first date you never hear from them again. Well isn't this a fine ass chunk of shit we are stuck with. What they should say is they don't want a woman who is slutting it around with everyone just someone who will be their slut. What the hell. I am so sick of that shit. i am not stuck up cause i won't suck your little dick when I meet you. what the fuck. I give up. I am really done looking for Mr. Nice Guy cause him and all his nice guy friends are DEAD!

 

New favorite song

"When You're Mad"

By Ne-yo

It's just the cutest thing
When you get to fussing (cussing)
Yelling and throwing things
I just wanna eat you up
I don't mean no disrespect
When I start staring
Knowing that it makes you madder (uh, oh)
I'm sorry but seeing you mad is so sexy

[Hook]
Could it be the little wrinkle over your nose
When you make your angry face
That makes me wanna just take off all your clothes
And sex you all over the place
Could it be the lil' way you storm around
That makes me wanna tear you down
Baby, I ain't sure, but one thing that I do know is

[Chorus]
Every time you scream at me
I wanna kiss you
Baby when you put your hands on me
I wanna touch you
And when we get to arguing
Just gotta kiss you
Baby, I don't know why it's like that
But you're just so damn sexy
When you're mad

Baby, don't think I don't take you seriously
But I just can't help the fact that your attitude excites me (so exciting)
And you know ain't nothing better
Then when we get
Mad together and have angry sex (I'll blow you out)
Then we forget what we were mad about

[Hook]
Could it be the little wrinkle over your nose
When you make your angry face
That makes me wanna just take off all your clothes
And sex you all over the place
Could it be the lil' way you storm around
That makes me wanna tear you down
Baby, I'm not sure, but one thing that I do know is

[Chorus 2x]
Every time you scream at me
I wanna kiss you
Baby when you put your hands on me
I wanna touch you
And when we get to arguing
Just gotta kiss you
Baby, I don't know why it's like that
But you're just so damn sexy

Every time you scream at me
I wanna kiss you
Baby when you put your hands on me
I wanna touch you
And when we get to arguing
Just gotta kiss you
Baby, I don't know why it's like that
But you're just so damn sexy
When you're mad

Changing times

Sometimes things in your life that seam like a stable force are really the leash tying you to a big pile of shit. But you can live without it. so you remain stuck dragged down and back every day. I wish I was strong enough to do it all but I am not. Can't be

 

Past it all

Well it doesn't matter what is thought. it doesn't matter what is said. shit works out like it always does. I'm just glad I have learned something in all the time I have been here and brought my ass home. I knew you were full of shit. I feel into that crap again cause its so nice to listen to the good words as you flow um in my direction. The picture is always to great and comes down to the fact that you aren't ever actually into me. Yeah you and every other nigga on the planets trying to get his dick wet. Fuck it all. I am tired of fighting the shit. I am tired of having to feel like i am not enough for anyone good enough to be loved or to have the truth told to me. i guess in that past life I was a bad person and I don't know how to correct the stain on my soul the whole world can apparently see

NEW MAN PROBLEMS

Don't tell me I can have everything I want. I want a lot. Don't tell me you are OK with how I do what I do and are willing to enable it. Shit. How am I supposed to keep my footing  here.

 

I don't have time to be falling for some man.