Moving through the day

As I sit here moving through the day. I am struck at how easily it is to get discouraged by things in life.

 

Oddities of life

Confrontation with my ex had me crying at the train station. So the guy who I thought was going to not have time to deal with my crazy ass comes through in a major way. He happened to call and came to the train station to give me a hug so I could feel better. And to tell me he needed me, not to do things for him but just needed me near him. Wanted me and that he was sorry he couldn't communicate his feelings before now. Not to say that either of us are perfect but that we can work on ourselves and us together.

 

So today I decided that I am going to blogg about my journey in all this.  I have been reading the book The Passion Test. I am about on page 90 of 280 or so right. I have had more revelations of self then when reading any other book. I plan to finish my first read of the book and then me and my best friend are going to do all the self exploration exercises in there. I want to know what the hell it is I am supposed to be doing. I am good and a lot of things. but I have never been able to hold onto a passion. Or even know what my passion is. I have a sneaking suspicion that I have always given up on my current dream as soon as anyone told me I shouldn't, couldn't, or that they didn't like it. I am very susceptible to negative influence apparently.

 

I feel oddly light today. Not that i have lost weight. but my mind doesn't feel bogged down by self doubt. Working on happy seams to agree with me. 

 

 

The big joke

Sometimes i get tired of being told to be thankful for being awakened in the morning to a terrible life. makes you feel like life's just a joke

very strange days

Sometimes I think the universe is testing me. So now I sit in limbo with a man I want. I don't mean I care for him. No I want him. to be happy and prosperous with or without me. I love this man. This oddly independent man who doesn't need me. I dont' know how to deal with a man who doesn't need me. How do you fit into some one's life who knows they don't need you. Well outside the bedroom that is. Can it all be based around our physical need for each other. I have no clue. question is can we work out a partnership based on mutual respect and feelings. I just don't know. I know I hate being without him. He reminds me to be grateful, not by saying anything, but just by being him. I feel taken care of even when he isn't doing anything. I feel understood even when I am not speaking. I feel loved by every look and rejoice in the touch of his skin.

 

 

No words

There are no words to describe the feeling. empty doesn't cover it, hollow doesn't encompass it, tired is in there in its on measure, too hard to keep going when your thought and feelings are stuck caught on the harsh reality that you are alone lonely and in way prepared for this reality. Haven't not spent more then a week single since the 5 or 6th grade its kind of a change to be single after being told you just aren't worth it. What the fuck is that supposed to mean. I am not worth it. Not to say I every thought a man would take a bullet for me or anything but apparently I am  not worth the usual relationshit bother. Fuckers are always ready to jump for a booty call but that's all I will every be to most men cause I am not worth the bother. Fuck you all. This fucking shop is closed. That's right celibacy is staring me in the eye and guess what. Its starting to look pretty fucking good after all this bullshit. Nope I have never been the booty call type. And guess what I am worth too much to sit back and have my heart played with by some sorry ass mother fuckers who just want to get their dicks wet. So sorry that my self esteem isn't gone enough to be used by yall pieces of shit but sorry my momma didn't raise no fuck whore for  you to have a good time with. Go to hell and back and maybe  you will know whats up.

 

 

 

Its just a trick

Whenever there is a bunch of things that seam to be "good" things going on in life. Its just a trick. Its the trick to get you open to hope again. All that does is cripple you when the rug is pulled out from under you. Which if history has taught us anything its that that rug is temporary and there is no bright side.  Just a dismal life filled with shit. No wonder Christianity does so well. its all about getting through the struggle of life to get to your "rewards" in the afterlife. What if that's just what was put in place to placate the masses and there are the shining few who know the truth out there somewhere that this is as good as it gets and we should have all been working on making this life better. But we didn't.

Fucker

why is it when some fuck dumps you everyone feels like its their fucking business. its hard enough going from never been dumped to 2 in 2 months. YA catching up like an Olympic runner. NOT! This may not be the worse birthday ever but it is damn sure close.