February 15th

And yes we had a not great Valentine's day itself as our other had to work and so was unable to visit But we did get a great stop in on Sunday the 13th. Good friends good food and my man stopped in to take me shopping. Total treat and surprise to boot.

 

I got a killer pair of shoes a nightie set and a pound of new panties. Very nice.

 

I would have to say that is number Three. Three being the number of good valentines day gifts I have had. Two of those have come from the same man. The current record holder.

 

 

12:29pm same shit friday

Well yes we have it people. the truth about why all "African American women" are without good companionship. According to this bitch "Khadija Nassif" we should all learn to be vulnerable because men want to take care of us... What the fuck ever. Do you know any stay at home moms who are black NO YOU DON'T because we are all making the money to support ourselves and our entire family. Why you may ask... well according to this person, and I use that term lightly here, because we are trying to hold onto black men... Guess what foolish woman but I have been dating white men and hispanic men and black men since I could date; iincluding my white husband. and no it didn't get me a man who wanted to take care of me and raise a family, No hasn't made me any less an angry black women. if anything it has made me worse. because unlike most of my sisters I know the truth. All men no matter their race don't care anymore. They do nothing but take and take till you have nothing left to give anymore and so either they will leave you or you will leave them. And unlike Ms Nassif I don't think that we as black women should try to emulate asain women cause all men seam to like them. I don't give a flying fuck about trying to live my life subservient to anyone. Relationships used to be about companionship and going through life together. now this bitch tells me that I need to be someones servant to be worthy of being loved and cared for.

 

I think it is in the difference of how we perceive life. Life is a struggle and you want your equal to go trough life with. To bad there really aren't too many men black or otherwise who are as strong as a black woman. Blame it on slavery and the tendency that any strong willed black man was killed at the first sign of be uncontrollable. Blame it on the media, where the "angry black woman" is demonized and belittled. blame it on popular culture.... whoever you dicide to blame it doesn't matter to me... because I am an Angry Black Woman and I am proud to be. Funny how history overlooks meek black women but angry ones start revolutions and change. If Ms. Parks hadn't had her angry black woman pantis on that day I would still be sitting in the back of the bus.

 

So to all my angry sisters out there black white asain or otherwise. Hold onto yourself build your pride to shield you from the shit the world throws our way. And keep on dodging these halfwitted bitched out there telling the world there is somthing wrong with us.... THERE ISN'T We jsut do our thing a little differently.

 

 

9:15am shit friday

Surrounded By Inconsiderate Mother Fuckers

 

 

I awoke today to what I thought would be the most inconsiderate fuck of my day... Oh yeah I was wrong and it is only 9 in the god damn morning. My roommate who insists that the house be quiet till 10 in the morning started blasting some shitty show at 8:20 this fucking morning. I mean really is you are going to force other people to have high levels of considerations to you everyfuckingday maybe you would like to adhere to those "rules" your damn self... But I guess not its fine to inconvenience the rest of the damn world as long as you can get your beauty sleep right... FUCK OFF.

 

So I leave for work an hour early to keep from killing the bitch and off to Starbucks..... cause coffee makes things better. Hope it will kill of my fucking migraine but I doubt it. the people in there were great the girl got my drink right and I am off to feeling like the morning is going to be better.

 

So I'm off getting my jam on with the radio.. To my utter annoyance some old fuck is now in front of me gesturing at me through his fucking window and slowing way the fuck down. Guess what The world doesn't revolve around you you geriatric fucker. No one was talking to you I was singing with the radio trying to get my day back on a happy note and you fucked 5 miles of single lane traffic for 9 count them 9 cars behind you. FUCK OFF.

 

So I am now at work 45 minutes early. Thank god there are only two morning people at this company and they have been condition to know that a grunt mean Hi how you doing and they leave you the fuck alone till your coffee kicks in. And as it is Friday there are some people who don't work today. Though I wouldn't trade weekend work to get Fridays off. I don't get that one.

 

So here I am at work trying to swallow the shit that was my morning. Really people can we all just treat others with the same shit we want them on heap on us. I am at a real impasse in my mind as to why people want to deal out shit and get roses. I have spent my life doing what was expected and what was necessary to make others lives happy and what the fuck ever. no one is doing that for me. Not once not ever. It has always been my lot to have to sit and just take whatever the fuck people dealt out at me. I am tired of it.

sometimes you have to hate your life

if you never hate your life and feel like shit every day for a while how do  you know when something good comes along. 

New Favorite song

All the things your man won't do 

by joe

Hey love 
You say you need someone 
To be there for you 
To love you all night long huh 
It's kinda funny but 
I don't think you have to look no further 
Because I'm right here 
And I'm ready 
To do all the things your man won't do 

Tell me what kind of man 
Would treat his woman so cold 
Treat you like you're nothin' 
When you're worth more than gold 

Girl to me you're like a diamond 
I love the way you shine 
A hundred million dollar treasure 
I'll give the world to make you mine 

[La, la, la, la, la] 
I'll put a string a pearls right in your hand 
Make love on a beach of jet black sand 
Outside in the rain we can do it all night 
Out to tour the places he would not 
And some you never knew would get you hot 
Nothin' is forbidden when we touch 

Baby, I wanna do 
All of the things your man won't do 
I'll do them for you (Whoa) 
Baby, I wanna do (Hey) 
All of (All of) the things your man won't do (Every little thing) 
I'll do them for you (Yeah) 

I'll take you out on a night cruise 
On a yacht, just can't lose 
�Cause we got a lot to look forward to 
1-2, what ya gonna do 
What good is a diamond nobody can see it 
I hear he got you on lock down 
But I got the master key, yeah 

[La, la, la, la, la] 
I'll light a thousand candles all around 
Show me to the subway, I'll go down 
Nothin' can be sweeter than the sound of makin' love 
Baby, when I start I just can't stop 
I'll love you from the bottom to the top 
Nothin' is forbidden when we touch 

Baby (Baby), I wanna do (Hey...) 
All of the things your man won't do (Every little) 
I'll do them for you (Ooh...) 
Baby, I wanna do (I wanna do, yeah) 
All of the things your man won't do (Oh) 
I'll do them for you (Yeah) 

And oh...oh...yeah...yeah...oh, yeah 
Oh 

[La, la, la, la, la] 
I'll light a thousand candles all around 
Show me to the subway, I'll go down 
Nothin' can be sweeter than the sound of makin' love 
Baby, when I start I just can't stop 
I'll love you from the bottom to the top 
Nothin' is forbidden when we touch, ooh , yeah 

Baby, I wanna do (Oh) 
All of the things your man won't do (I'm gonna, I'm gonna, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh) 
I'll do them for you (Ho) 
Baby (Baby), I wanna do (I wanna do) 
All of the things your man won't do (And oh, yeah) 
I'll do them for you 

Ooh, I got a jones in my bones for you 
There ain't a damn thing that I won't do 
I'll make your body cream with my sex machine 
I won't stop until I hear your mother scream 

Baby, I wanna do (I wanna do) 
All of the things your man won't do (Whoa, oh, oh, ho, ah, yeah, yeah, hmm) 
I'll do them for you 
Baby, I wanna do (Wanna do) 
All of the things your man won't do (Yeah, whoa...whoa...) 
I'll do them for you (I wanna do it for you, baby) 

Baby, I wanna do 
All of the (Oh, whoa) things your man won't do 
I'll do them for you 
Baby (Oh, yeah), I wanna do 
All of the things your man won't do (Oh, yeah, oh, yeah) 
I'll do them for you 

Baby, I wanna do 
All of the things your man won't do 
I'll do them for you

To the Max

What the hell. You really really like them. you aren't trying to wear them. its about me in them... 

WOOTY WOOT WOOT,,,, oh but you won't... cause I have a...

But you will do that thing I love... not as often as I would like...

you do care.. about... for... maybe.... 

I don't have a place here.... competing with the art. fleeting...

Gone to soon, but here now... february will be lonely. 

the thought that I should be better circles me. eats my confidence and so I am quiet. soft spoken... unsure. 

your touch screams in my ears and deafens me. contact thorough searing away bringing moisture.

All to for about with me. its me. Its all me. hard soft push pull. a dream yearning my fancy.

Why is it that I can't have you forever. 

ode to Daddy

You are there for me always. Even when I am at my worst. If I can call with a problem between work hours monday through friday.

You make me feel like Im the bestest little girl ever. Some of the time. Others you make me feel like I am not "enough". 

You spank my ass and cause me all kinds of good pains. though I could use a few that have been missing. I could use less tears.

i love being your little girl. Though another lives my place. years is a hell of a wait

You bling up my Christmas cause "thats what your little girl likes".  odd that it feels like a bribe to overlook. 

I am so tired of being in my place out of my place. Freedom is starting to look nice from over here. freedom is lonely.

Life as a never was

Well its official I am 30 and a looser. worse yet I have realized I am a never was. People always say so pretty and talented you should be something by now. Well guess what "I AN NOT ANYTHING"  Even my fall back plan of have a family so at least you can say you were something to someone failed like an ice-cube on the wrong side of the gates of hell. I just don't get it. All those fucking people lied to me they said pretty people have it easy. NO the truth is pretty people with the backing to become famous people have it easy. When you are poor and pretty all it gets you is people thinking you are dumb. Also men who know you are dumb and lonely enough to be their whore while they look for a "girl to settle down with" so every time you see an ex the rest of your life he is ALWAYS married/committed to some homely usually heavy chick. Why I sit and watch my life never happen. I cant even remember the last time I had a dream of any kind that was just about me. Its always sacrificing for someone else cause thats what I was supposed to do. Well guess what it didn't do me a damn bit of good the universe is still shitting on me like I was told would only happen if I was selfish and did whatever the fuck I want. In fact a large majority of the people I know who are doing ok or better then ok are because of dishonesty or what do they call it exaggeration a little fudging or whatever in short doing whatever they had to do get what they wanted. Thanks a lot for the lie

Depression is just like home

Guess who is depressed here. this gal. My life is just not fun right now. and I am fucking tired of it. 

it just isn't fair. Fair what the fuck is fair. Nothing. Life is the one totally unfair thing we much all endure. 

You know I have been this way forever. taking a couple of forays into that normal shit but really i don't like it. 

cause I always am back here. 

useless to the world

not good enough for anyone ever

always such a nice girl why are you still single

well thats easy cause Im me and I'll be this way forever

and its a horrid day in the neighborhood

Jobless.... again.... Not sure i can take this at christmas. Why is it that shitty things like to come in packs so you feel like all of creation is tell you that you suck a bunch. 

Glad I get to spend christmas in my place will be homeless on the first of the year. YA 

lost info

catch up information

me and my friend Tracy are sharing a place with two guys we know.

cramped but theres a pool in the back yard so I am not complaining.

so tracy Kurt and ron

we all live in the little house near the woods. which is nice.... less neighbors to call the police as we are all bdsm oriented and there can usually be heard someone's screams of good pain.

me Im working on a divorce, so is Tracy.... and Kurt..... Ron didn't marry his mistake

oh well we are all living and learning.

Confusion

Well.... when you tell a man(A). I want out because you are squishing my soul...... (read that as:I have found a man(B) who likes all the parts of me that you say that you don't want me to have and that I should try to resist these things cause they are unbecoming behaviors for your property to have..... )

then sometimes you get a kick in the ass cause that same man(A) may stand up and say what is it that you need, I love you and you shall have it..... Be prepared for that.... I wasn't.... Now I haven't slept... Eaten... I feel sick... and I have no clue what to do from  here.... What... Why are you mocking me out there....

Two men who care for me...
A. been together a while. saying all the right things. doing all the right things. offering all the right things.
B. just offering himself to me hmm

I don't know... must think... sleep too.

Friday Friday Friday

Well Thursday night was a freakin riot. Hung out with a friend of mine from PA. The man is a marvelous genuine gentleman of a caliber you just don't see today. Thomas you are just what the doctor ordered. Sometime it is better to spend an entire evening being charmingly flirted up by a man who you know isn't trying to get into your pants. Refreshing is a real and true way.

Staying for the sex

OK I heard a disturbing Strawberry letter this morning on the Steve Harvey Morning Show. It was great. Girl stuck with dude cause the sex is GREAT. OK I been there. I married mines. But I damn sure knew I shouldn't when I did it. Come on people. If good sex made a good relationship then there are people in everyone's past they would never have left/let go. Sex is physical and that isn't everything. I felt bad for the woman but hey you have to grow up some time.

And here's the first candidate

What do you call him. that guy that comes right after a breakup..... the Rebound man is in town people. And he has his A game on.
And I plan on falling for it with grace and wallowing in the attention.

Some day soon I will realize that it is super temporarly but at the moment I am enjoying Mr. Right Now.

He is fabulous. To the salon for a Mani-Pedi, Then lets jump on this man while he is hot.

Bullshit and some more

This ass <read my wonderful husband> just emailed my family screenshots of my fetpage <a fetish oriented community page similar to facebook>. Hmm I may need bail money. I would also like to point out that its not that my family isn't evolved in my life a lot of them know some of what I do but it isn't anyone's place to inform your family about your private life. After letting that ass back in my life after he trashed all my online accounts, email addresses, and community pages last year, I should have known that it wasn't worth the second chance.

Floundering like a fishy

Life sucks so bad at the moment I am actually considering taking to a life of crime. Living by the rules hasn't gotten me shit. I am 30. yes fucking 30, speeding toward a divorce, childless cause my only kids were his from another relationship. So I am old and by the time, read IF, I find someone I will be to old to procreate. My biological clock did some math and just closed up the show. To top it all off I got notice on friday that the job I hate is ending in four weeks YA. Glad I never had time for a vacation now. I will get that paid out in cash now at least. The words "Ready for a Change" have never felt so appropriate.

So I'm Listening.

Day one of posting a lot

OK I am trying to get back to posting a lot more. I tend to not post if life is getting the better of me and lookie here I haven't seen my peeps in a year. damn its been a rough one. I am lonely as the day is long. bored and I hate laundry. which is all I have to do on a Friday night.  To hell with that I am going out damn it. So choices choices.

the only choice I have is to not be bored. will write more on that on Saturday if I got to go out.


Friday at work:
short staffed and picking up the slack everywhere. so who the hell is going to pick up the slack for me.

Well being checkin:
No sex....  no fun.... ammunition.... um people may need to run a little

Physical state:
smokin sexy.... Yeah we're good.

And we're back

Well that didn't take too long.

sadly I am singleish again. ish because we are just separated right now.

Not sure how I feel.

angry and cheated mostly so what better to do then blog blog blog it out.

Ya

The Long Silence

Well I survived an enitre 2 days of silence...

I thought I was going to keel over from the loneliness of it all.

But seriously folks. is it that men in general can feel the "weakened prey" of a female hurting and having problems....

Saturday. Every Dom I have ever had the pleasure of speaking with socially called, txt, IM, or jumped on my fetpage. I had to look around to see if I had posted about the fight or something. Maybe it was the universe testing me. Maybe not. But I think I passed with flying colors and didn't have a one nighter with anyone. 

There's got to be an improvement medal out there some place for that.