after the wind

Power out all over town. not at my job. so Im here working. as usual. like has become so boring with two jobs and still not making bills. its hot and at least we have power. which is more then I can say for lots of people. 

I am so bored. bored with nothing to do at all. 

Funny things

Well sometimes you aren't ready for a question so you answer truthfully and then you have a second to think. 

Well Had a moment like that today. was sitting in my car with my friend and he turns to me and says You ever been with a woman. 

So I said "yeah". which lead him to ask "sexually?" and me to say "yeah" again. 

I don't think I ever seen a dude trying not to smile quite like that. 

It was like the smile was bustin out through tons of resistance. 

it was great

I just love when people go ahead and ask what they want to know. 

May is bangin to a close... come get me june

what to be thankful for first. So happy to have moved though all the shit of the winter and spring. I am ready summer lets get to it.

 

Bad day

when you realize you are sitting on the edge of your bed rocking like a victim and chewing your finger. Not the nail the finger. Shit what happened to my life. 

Some days

Some days are harder then others. 

some days you wake and think to yourself why

what was the reasoning to wake me up to this useless existence one more day. 

I got nothing there. If there is a plan I missed the strategy meeting.

I know nothing of the destination or how it is I am supposed to get there.

So up I go and off to work at a job that doesn't full fill me or make life better for anyone anywhere. 

Faith

If Faith is knowing God can. 

What do you call knowing god can but doesn't 

I think that's called BITTER.

Even better

Now there are 300 applications out there with a phone number that has been disconnected. 

Great

I may as well quit my job and go pick a good cardboard box and my spot under the freeway. thanks for nothing 4 year college degree

thanks for nothing the extra year for ESRI certification. Thanks for NOTHING all this wasted education and being nice to people. fuckum all I am done. 

Its been a while

Well its been a while and my new years resolution to be more positive has gone to the dogs. 

SH is right. when you try to make a change the world is just going to come at you and dump on you till you give up.

Again I have had to sit through my family. "how are things:" no one wants to hear "I am alone my life is shit I make what I did when I was 17 I can't pay my bills my phone is about to be disconnected and I will never be happy wealthy or worth anything to anyone on this miserable POS of a planet." No they just want you to say fine and ask how they are doing so they can tell you all about all the nice things they own and the good shit happening to them. I don't give flying bloody FUCK. I have spent my life following the rules and have been fucked at every turn for it. 

did I get my good job because I didn't have kids in high school and went to college at a good school 

fuck no I have a shity job that is so much work and stress I have to wear braces on my hands every damn day now and the stress and commute are so bad all my eyebrows have fallen out. Guess what IT DIDN"T HELP 

DID it get me the good life to marry my best friend and spend all my money and credit trying to fix his shit. NO it didnt' what it got me was an alcoholic who didn't give a shit enough to bother with the counseling I was left sitting in looking stupid. Not just once but twice cause it was "not worth it" Well Fuck you too. GUESS WHAT THAT DIDN'T HELP MY LIFE EITHER

Did not taking charity and going on assistance when I lost my 45,000/year job look like a good work ethic to any company I have applied to. NOPE. I am just now stuck in a 23,000/ year job. With more then 300 applications with a revision of the resume at ever 100 sent out.  but not one... ... NOT ONE FUCKING INTERVIEW

And every time I go to one of these family things I have some fuck telling me I need to thank god for my blessings. I actually thing I should be able to say "thank you god for waking me, now can I get some other damn blessings cause having my physical and emotional body rapped by the life you have given me just makes me want to kill as many people I can before the police get me." But no that kind of truthfulness gets you kicked out of churches cause you have for fake being happy with the shitty lot you have been dealt. While you sit around and watch every drug addled sex crazed 3 kids by 3 fathers sorry ass morally bankrupt POS get new high paying jobs every 6 months. Apparently I don't know how to lie effectively enough on my resume. 

One day it will all be fair. Yup Ill be in a hole and the worms have a nice new meal and home. 

Long few days

Haven't slept too much. My mom is ok though so thats one thing off my mind.

I need a vacation.

 

 

Feelin super today

Well today is looking up. Things are better with the man. I don't get men. And I probably never will but hey. Breakfast was nice. And Lunch was nice too. I won't get to see my sexy man for a couple of days but at least we are OK on day three of the new regime of working out. Its going well. Belly dance is kicking me right in the belly. My stomach feel like I been punched repeatedly. Totally worth the pain. I will be measuring and getting on the scale after a week. I hope something has happened. Something good. Like 5 gone. that would be awesome. But anything down is good.

 

 

 

 

A little birdie told me

As I sit here listening to your words fall from someone else's  mouth about how I am just not worth it. It.. the aggravation of dealing with me on the daily. Well excuse me. The least you could have done was say something to me. to my fucking face. Don't spend another day looking at me asking if something is wrong with me. Buddy at that point I didn't even know you had thrown me to the fucking curb. I guess Im just here now waiting on the memo you cowardly sorry sot. Got to be some kind of record. From love of his life to the straw that broke the camels back in less then 48 hours. Gifted I am.  Whatever. As I sit and wait for the other shoe to drop. Or for me to get tired of it and throw it in his face. I guess this little non relationship has about a 4 day shelf life left. less if he actually calls or anything like that. but Im not expecting anything but a long pause. Then I call to say whats wrong you just aren't talking to me anymore. then his lame ass late as fuck "Im just not feeling you right now, can't we just be friends with benefits". Fuck you and the bus you rode in on.

 

 

Technical difficulties can get you killed.

 

After 4 days of waiting for my "call back" I wasn't going to pick  up the phone. someone called my work phone from a number I didn't recognise so I called him again.  First words out of his mouth after I broke down and called were, took you long enough. I was like. WTF I been calling you for 4 days. I wasn't even going to call today at all. He was like. what babe you know I ain't blah blah blah. Broken Sim card blah blah blah. Would have gotten your number from Matt but his daughter broke his phone blah blah blah. Well damn I mean really I know that it sounds plausible that everyone in the same house was having technical difficulties but OH MAN I still want to stab him little. But I am glad that he didn't roll out without a word to me. That shit has happened once and I still can't get over it. Damn we all have our baggage. I just wish mine wasn't all about me feeling useless, worthless, and unwanted. I mean fuck I am great. Why do I need to have these feelings. Who is this evil little voice inside me. That fucker needs a pimp slap.

 

Hump day

Well Wednesday is here. I am stuck her while the heads of families go off to my cousin's funeral delaying the results of my moms biopsy. She is unworried. Me. I am stressed beyond belief and can't sleep, am having intestinal difficulties and constant nausea. only got to wait till next Wednesday for it to be any better. I feel a cake-a-thon coming on. so much for loosing weight.

 

 

ITs a day

Really sometimes you wake up and get the feeling that the joke is on  you. I have had the my life is a joke feeling before. But here it comes again. My mom is now waiting to find out if she has cervical cancer. I don't have the resources for this nor do I have the energy to go through loosing a parent, maybe I never will. The I get to find out a close relitive on my mothers side passed away last week and the funeral is day after tomorrow. I can't go as I had to use all my vacation time to have hours on my pay check while my company was cyber fucked for a week straight. Today I've been at my desk going between silent crying and dozing off. So I am going to take my ass home and do the same.

Time marches on

Winter is coming. Halloween fast approaches, and Christmas is right around the corner. The year is slipping by. Still walking a mile to the bus in the evenings and any morning I can't get a ride. All that extra walking and I have gained weight.Well I guess I'm all ready for hibernation.

 

Moving through the day

As I sit here moving through the day. I am struck at how easily it is to get discouraged by things in life.

 

Oddities of life

Confrontation with my ex had me crying at the train station. So the guy who I thought was going to not have time to deal with my crazy ass comes through in a major way. He happened to call and came to the train station to give me a hug so I could feel better. And to tell me he needed me, not to do things for him but just needed me near him. Wanted me and that he was sorry he couldn't communicate his feelings before now. Not to say that either of us are perfect but that we can work on ourselves and us together.

 

So today I decided that I am going to blogg about my journey in all this.  I have been reading the book The Passion Test. I am about on page 90 of 280 or so right. I have had more revelations of self then when reading any other book. I plan to finish my first read of the book and then me and my best friend are going to do all the self exploration exercises in there. I want to know what the hell it is I am supposed to be doing. I am good and a lot of things. but I have never been able to hold onto a passion. Or even know what my passion is. I have a sneaking suspicion that I have always given up on my current dream as soon as anyone told me I shouldn't, couldn't, or that they didn't like it. I am very susceptible to negative influence apparently.

 

I feel oddly light today. Not that i have lost weight. but my mind doesn't feel bogged down by self doubt. Working on happy seams to agree with me. 

 

 

The big joke

Sometimes i get tired of being told to be thankful for being awakened in the morning to a terrible life. makes you feel like life's just a joke

very strange days

Sometimes I think the universe is testing me. So now I sit in limbo with a man I want. I don't mean I care for him. No I want him. to be happy and prosperous with or without me. I love this man. This oddly independent man who doesn't need me. I dont' know how to deal with a man who doesn't need me. How do you fit into some one's life who knows they don't need you. Well outside the bedroom that is. Can it all be based around our physical need for each other. I have no clue. question is can we work out a partnership based on mutual respect and feelings. I just don't know. I know I hate being without him. He reminds me to be grateful, not by saying anything, but just by being him. I feel taken care of even when he isn't doing anything. I feel understood even when I am not speaking. I feel loved by every look and rejoice in the touch of his skin.

 

 

No words

There are no words to describe the feeling. empty doesn't cover it, hollow doesn't encompass it, tired is in there in its on measure, too hard to keep going when your thought and feelings are stuck caught on the harsh reality that you are alone lonely and in way prepared for this reality. Haven't not spent more then a week single since the 5 or 6th grade its kind of a change to be single after being told you just aren't worth it. What the fuck is that supposed to mean. I am not worth it. Not to say I every thought a man would take a bullet for me or anything but apparently I am  not worth the usual relationshit bother. Fuckers are always ready to jump for a booty call but that's all I will every be to most men cause I am not worth the bother. Fuck you all. This fucking shop is closed. That's right celibacy is staring me in the eye and guess what. Its starting to look pretty fucking good after all this bullshit. Nope I have never been the booty call type. And guess what I am worth too much to sit back and have my heart played with by some sorry ass mother fuckers who just want to get their dicks wet. So sorry that my self esteem isn't gone enough to be used by yall pieces of shit but sorry my momma didn't raise no fuck whore for  you to have a good time with. Go to hell and back and maybe  you will know whats up.