Looking for the truth

the man I don't want hollerin that I am missing out on a great thing in him. Yes I am missing out on being played and treated like a piece of ass on the side. I don't have time for that bull shit. I am not going to be anyone's sometimes bitch. You are either all in or you are OUT.

 

then the guy I want telling me I am wonderful and he loves me and that he misses me. Guess what you don't love me enough to be in my life. OR be there for me. but you can call whenever you need to be bailed out of jail. or when you need something. I repeat, You are either all in or you are OUT.

 

where the hell did all the men go, cause all these boys are a pain in the ass. I will keep lookin. but for the first time in my life celibacy is actually sticking. Its been almost a year. And I haven't died... ... .... BORED yes very bored. but not dead.

 

it ain't hard when your options are to be alone of be treated like shit by useless fuckers who have no thought to your value. Man I miss gentleman. How did I miss mine. I guess I was with one of the assholes at the time.

 

I guess by 30 all the good guys are Taken and happily married, Gay and happily coupled, or Turned into one of these assholes. I know they aren't born this way they are made. Guess its time to start looking through the obituaries for men. Damn I hoped I would be at least 60 before I had to start that practice.

My mind is trying to save me

I now have the worlds most boring job. Low pay and tons of time wasting training that amounts to NOTHING. There are step by step procedures for everything from loggin in ot wiping your nose. Why do the feel the need to go through them in big training sessions with powerpioints. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!. I just keep fallin asleep and when I wake up I just have to read the steps I slept through and BAM Im all caught up. I really wish I could get these people to stop wasting my time. I have a damn college education I tink I can follow a step by step. 

 

My mind will continue making me backout in these long ass 2 hour trainings that go over 15 minutes of actual work.

 

HELP MY SANITY!!!! I need to get LAID.

 

 

You SUCK

Guess what. I didn't ask you for a relationship. I didn't ask you to try to be my man. I didn't even ask you for sex or any kind of contact besides the friendship that you offered. WTF is your issue that you think you can tell me that I am too much trouble for anyone to be bothered with. Where do you get fucking nerve to say that kind of shit to me. What kind of friend is that. I am not psychic nor am I a mechanic. How is an alternator my fault for being careless. Well guess what when you loose you panel lights from a fuse how the hell am I supposed to know when the car is having problems. the speed and rpm hands work so I think the damn panel is fine. Nope there is a fuse for all the little hazard lights separate from the one for the gauges with hands. But its my fault and makes you think you are superior to me cause you have some car skills. FUCK OFF

 

Life

2 jobs and still not making it for real.

 

life is just a little tough right now. but I will get through it.

 

new lives

Well if the dawn(read return of power) after all those storms isn't beautiful and enlightening. YA nature. 

As everything good in life sometimes you have to move through the messy painful or hurtful. 

Sit back and hold tight to who you know you really are and forget the hater.

Thats their job. Don't worry about them. 

Walk on on the path you choose. 

today I am past bitter

Bitter is a hard place to live.

everything said is an attack. every disappointment a personal failure.

 

but on the other side of bitter lies sweet oblivion.

 

you pass from the rapids of bitter into shoals of I don't give a fuck.

 

You got money - I don't give a fuck

you think you are cute - I don't give a fuck

you think we don't know you are stepping out on your wife - I don't give a fuck about you. If you can't be truthful with you spouse get the fuck away from me you loser.

 

and the best part of being past bitter. I no longer need to be nice to any of these sorry ass POS men out here who want to use and abuse every woman they see. then have the nerve to ask why women have so much baggage. Well Ill let you in on this last secret. Its cause of you. Lying disease spreading, unfaithful, morally bankrupt, sorry excuse for a boy. Maybe one day you will grow up to imitate a man.

 

I love DGF. best mindset EVER.

 

You wake up one day and realize that there is no man who will ever measure up they stopped trying a long time ago.

 

after the wind

Power out all over town. not at my job. so Im here working. as usual. like has become so boring with two jobs and still not making bills. its hot and at least we have power. which is more then I can say for lots of people. 

I am so bored. bored with nothing to do at all. 

Funny things

Well sometimes you aren't ready for a question so you answer truthfully and then you have a second to think. 

Well Had a moment like that today. was sitting in my car with my friend and he turns to me and says You ever been with a woman. 

So I said "yeah". which lead him to ask "sexually?" and me to say "yeah" again. 

I don't think I ever seen a dude trying not to smile quite like that. 

It was like the smile was bustin out through tons of resistance. 

it was great

I just love when people go ahead and ask what they want to know. 

May is bangin to a close... come get me june

what to be thankful for first. So happy to have moved though all the shit of the winter and spring. I am ready summer lets get to it.

 

Bad day

when you realize you are sitting on the edge of your bed rocking like a victim and chewing your finger. Not the nail the finger. Shit what happened to my life. 

Some days

Some days are harder then others. 

some days you wake and think to yourself why

what was the reasoning to wake me up to this useless existence one more day. 

I got nothing there. If there is a plan I missed the strategy meeting.

I know nothing of the destination or how it is I am supposed to get there.

So up I go and off to work at a job that doesn't full fill me or make life better for anyone anywhere. 

Faith

If Faith is knowing God can. 

What do you call knowing god can but doesn't 

I think that's called BITTER.

Even better

Now there are 300 applications out there with a phone number that has been disconnected. 

Great

I may as well quit my job and go pick a good cardboard box and my spot under the freeway. thanks for nothing 4 year college degree

thanks for nothing the extra year for ESRI certification. Thanks for NOTHING all this wasted education and being nice to people. fuckum all I am done. 

Its been a while

Well its been a while and my new years resolution to be more positive has gone to the dogs. 

SH is right. when you try to make a change the world is just going to come at you and dump on you till you give up.

Again I have had to sit through my family. "how are things:" no one wants to hear "I am alone my life is shit I make what I did when I was 17 I can't pay my bills my phone is about to be disconnected and I will never be happy wealthy or worth anything to anyone on this miserable POS of a planet." No they just want you to say fine and ask how they are doing so they can tell you all about all the nice things they own and the good shit happening to them. I don't give flying bloody FUCK. I have spent my life following the rules and have been fucked at every turn for it. 

did I get my good job because I didn't have kids in high school and went to college at a good school 

fuck no I have a shity job that is so much work and stress I have to wear braces on my hands every damn day now and the stress and commute are so bad all my eyebrows have fallen out. Guess what IT DIDN"T HELP 

DID it get me the good life to marry my best friend and spend all my money and credit trying to fix his shit. NO it didnt' what it got me was an alcoholic who didn't give a shit enough to bother with the counseling I was left sitting in looking stupid. Not just once but twice cause it was "not worth it" Well Fuck you too. GUESS WHAT THAT DIDN'T HELP MY LIFE EITHER

Did not taking charity and going on assistance when I lost my 45,000/year job look like a good work ethic to any company I have applied to. NOPE. I am just now stuck in a 23,000/ year job. With more then 300 applications with a revision of the resume at ever 100 sent out.  but not one... ... NOT ONE FUCKING INTERVIEW

And every time I go to one of these family things I have some fuck telling me I need to thank god for my blessings. I actually thing I should be able to say "thank you god for waking me, now can I get some other damn blessings cause having my physical and emotional body rapped by the life you have given me just makes me want to kill as many people I can before the police get me." But no that kind of truthfulness gets you kicked out of churches cause you have for fake being happy with the shitty lot you have been dealt. While you sit around and watch every drug addled sex crazed 3 kids by 3 fathers sorry ass morally bankrupt POS get new high paying jobs every 6 months. Apparently I don't know how to lie effectively enough on my resume. 

One day it will all be fair. Yup Ill be in a hole and the worms have a nice new meal and home.