Note to self

Dear self,
What the fuck is going on with you. We are all in here and you are letting the crazy run the show. Now we understand that life can be confusing and we are not used to allowing all these feeling s to surface but get a fuckin grip on it. OK it is one thing to get pissed off at something totally trivial and unimportant it is totally another to attempt to hold on to that anger once the irrational thoughts have passed to try to not look looney. C knows that I am crazy as hell healing a lot from bad things and trying to move on. The man is a fuckin saint and we need to respect the fact that he is not going anywhere and stop trying to push him off. He is spectacular in most things (especially bed which is a total leap up and a mush) and he actually attempts to understand you. You freakin ninnie you need to stop trying to find out why and just enjoy the love.

OK so it is scarier than any other thought you can have but there are people who love you for being you, not for what you can do for them, or what you represent in their social order, and yes he thinks you are a damn sexy black woman but that doesn't mean that he thinks you are less some how (that one is seriously fucked up in our mind) You gota lay off him. He may not be perfect but guess the fuck what neither are we. And yes he has got a serious need to fondle your ass in public, well we all know we love that part so hehe nice. And he has never tried to tell you that erotica is for screwed up people.

(side note: I find erotica to be an excellent and wonderful form of literature which is as all literature littered with the good and the bad but if you are interested in some very good reads anything edited or written by Maxim Jakubowski or Violet Blue are great places to start. Not to mention www.abebooks.com is a great book resource for all types of books, especially hard to finds)

That is just it we have been waiting for the other shoe to drop and it is not. It has been um 6 hole damn months and it still won't fall. Where the fuck is the other shoe. It can't just be the trivial bs ever gal of a geek must deal with that just isn't big enough. There has to be something.

No there doesn't have to be something. Stop it. He is wonderful and treats you like you are a Goddess and you are just not used to it. Sit back enjoy and stop trying to see the asshole in the prince. There is no one you know who is happier than you while in his arms. And anyone thinking they are lying to themselves. The universe sent him to us, US damn it, over obstacle and trial, and we need to sit back and let the love flow.

OK there in lies our problem, emotion, it is an all or nothing bag. Can't just let one or two out. I don't think that we want all that shit flowing all over the place. We have lead a nice controlled existence and it has been alright.

Alright, no alright isn't good enough anymore. We want to live and have fun, love and be loved, move in a life as one with one tied to our soul. That is why my dear we have got to WAKE UP. There is no later, time for that tomorrow. We nearly lost him once and by the grace of all things holly and reverent we managed to reclaim our love. I am not willing to let go of him, but I don't know if I can let go of this part of me.

That part in most scared, scarred people that yells at the top of it's lungs "pain is coming, you know it is, no one is that perfect, if you miss the signs it is going to hurt you so bad" so now everything is a sign. Every word double edges, every gesture under scrutiny. If you can't get a hold on this there is going to be some serious problems.

OK so we have established that we are in need of some calming down, and some reality check. The thing that is not clear is what are we supposed to do with the reflective armor that we have been coating ourself with for the last 10 years. Is it supposed to just dissolve.