ITs a day

Really sometimes you wake up and get the feeling that the joke is on  you. I have had the my life is a joke feeling before. But here it comes again. My mom is now waiting to find out if she has cervical cancer. I don't have the resources for this nor do I have the energy to go through loosing a parent, maybe I never will. The I get to find out a close relitive on my mothers side passed away last week and the funeral is day after tomorrow. I can't go as I had to use all my vacation time to have hours on my pay check while my company was cyber fucked for a week straight. Today I've been at my desk going between silent crying and dozing off. So I am going to take my ass home and do the same.

Time marches on

Winter is coming. Halloween fast approaches, and Christmas is right around the corner. The year is slipping by. Still walking a mile to the bus in the evenings and any morning I can't get a ride. All that extra walking and I have gained weight.Well I guess I'm all ready for hibernation.

 

Moving through the day

As I sit here moving through the day. I am struck at how easily it is to get discouraged by things in life.

 

Oddities of life

Confrontation with my ex had me crying at the train station. So the guy who I thought was going to not have time to deal with my crazy ass comes through in a major way. He happened to call and came to the train station to give me a hug so I could feel better. And to tell me he needed me, not to do things for him but just needed me near him. Wanted me and that he was sorry he couldn't communicate his feelings before now. Not to say that either of us are perfect but that we can work on ourselves and us together.

 

So today I decided that I am going to blogg about my journey in all this.  I have been reading the book The Passion Test. I am about on page 90 of 280 or so right. I have had more revelations of self then when reading any other book. I plan to finish my first read of the book and then me and my best friend are going to do all the self exploration exercises in there. I want to know what the hell it is I am supposed to be doing. I am good and a lot of things. but I have never been able to hold onto a passion. Or even know what my passion is. I have a sneaking suspicion that I have always given up on my current dream as soon as anyone told me I shouldn't, couldn't, or that they didn't like it. I am very susceptible to negative influence apparently.

 

I feel oddly light today. Not that i have lost weight. but my mind doesn't feel bogged down by self doubt. Working on happy seams to agree with me. 

 

 

The big joke

Sometimes i get tired of being told to be thankful for being awakened in the morning to a terrible life. makes you feel like life's just a joke

very strange days

Sometimes I think the universe is testing me. So now I sit in limbo with a man I want. I don't mean I care for him. No I want him. to be happy and prosperous with or without me. I love this man. This oddly independent man who doesn't need me. I dont' know how to deal with a man who doesn't need me. How do you fit into some one's life who knows they don't need you. Well outside the bedroom that is. Can it all be based around our physical need for each other. I have no clue. question is can we work out a partnership based on mutual respect and feelings. I just don't know. I know I hate being without him. He reminds me to be grateful, not by saying anything, but just by being him. I feel taken care of even when he isn't doing anything. I feel understood even when I am not speaking. I feel loved by every look and rejoice in the touch of his skin.

 

 

No words

There are no words to describe the feeling. empty doesn't cover it, hollow doesn't encompass it, tired is in there in its on measure, too hard to keep going when your thought and feelings are stuck caught on the harsh reality that you are alone lonely and in way prepared for this reality. Haven't not spent more then a week single since the 5 or 6th grade its kind of a change to be single after being told you just aren't worth it. What the fuck is that supposed to mean. I am not worth it. Not to say I every thought a man would take a bullet for me or anything but apparently I am  not worth the usual relationshit bother. Fuckers are always ready to jump for a booty call but that's all I will every be to most men cause I am not worth the bother. Fuck you all. This fucking shop is closed. That's right celibacy is staring me in the eye and guess what. Its starting to look pretty fucking good after all this bullshit. Nope I have never been the booty call type. And guess what I am worth too much to sit back and have my heart played with by some sorry ass mother fuckers who just want to get their dicks wet. So sorry that my self esteem isn't gone enough to be used by yall pieces of shit but sorry my momma didn't raise no fuck whore for  you to have a good time with. Go to hell and back and maybe  you will know whats up.

 

 

 

Its just a trick

Whenever there is a bunch of things that seam to be "good" things going on in life. Its just a trick. Its the trick to get you open to hope again. All that does is cripple you when the rug is pulled out from under you. Which if history has taught us anything its that that rug is temporary and there is no bright side.  Just a dismal life filled with shit. No wonder Christianity does so well. its all about getting through the struggle of life to get to your "rewards" in the afterlife. What if that's just what was put in place to placate the masses and there are the shining few who know the truth out there somewhere that this is as good as it gets and we should have all been working on making this life better. But we didn't.

Fucker

why is it when some fuck dumps you everyone feels like its their fucking business. its hard enough going from never been dumped to 2 in 2 months. YA catching up like an Olympic runner. NOT! This may not be the worse birthday ever but it is damn sure close.

 

Its another fine monday

Hot outside already and its 6 in the morning when I am beginning this post.

After a weekend of not too crappy I'm back at work. By not too crappy I mean a visit from the hated auntie and sitting in bed watching movies. Life is kinda boring right now. but I am catching up on all the movies I missed 2007-2010. Some of them weren't bad but the disaster movies mostly all sucked.  I have an fully empty DVR this morning as well. Falling Sky's TOTAL PASS!!!! they are great. I love the harnessed kids. Depression running pretty much rampant even with medication. So right now its all about not watching anything sad. So I have sworn off the Lifetime Movie network till its over. Also watermelon Ice Cream isn't the same. But colder. Random happy thought - Purple People Eater

 

Cheated

That's all hope is. Its the promise that lays out in front of you. Your mind begins to make plans and dream of "how it could be". then it all fails and you are cheated out of it all. Usually with little to no warning.  Your mind is ripped out of the thought that anything is going to be fine. There is really no use to keeping up the charade. living without hope is just easier. I don't need fantastic men showing up just to slap me in the face with the "you aren't good enough". when what they mean is. you are fine to wet my dick but you aren't good enough for me to care. And the next bitch who say "when you are pretty its easy" I am going to fuck that bitch up. You know what being pretty has got me. I been used as a trophy. chased for conquest and left cause "you're not the kind for a relationship" apparently women think pretty women have all the men and all the men think pretty woman are going to fuck their friends. I feel lost and really wish I had stuck with my usual and kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. When you are waiting for it it hurts a little less... .... ... a little. But when you give in and start to believe the hype and buy into the shit that's when they get you really good. Then you find yourself sitting in bed in the dark wasting a Sunday on bad movies and a huge bag of chips. I will be fine but I will never again buy into the shit. Not as long as I live breath. There really is no reason to even believe any man's hype at this age. 

And its a wrap

I am here. about to turn 31 in a week or so and I am back where I was when I was 23 and fresh out of college. Single, living with my mother, broke..... Oh wait no I am worse off then when I was at 23 I am making 12 an hour instead of 21 and I have no transportation but the bus.  So nice of life to back step for me. Now I sit spinning my wheels as I have no Idea how to deal with all this. Looks like another birthday from the bottom of a bottle.

 

 

 

How to spend lotto money

 

Cash that check. Pay every bill in full that can be found consulting credit history to make sure I get every single bill.

 

Then rent a car hauler and a driver

 

drive up the highway and purchase used cars for everyone.

Me

Mom

Dad

Man

Brothers - 4

Sisters - 2

 

Contact local realtor who specializes in foreclosures.

buy everyone a house

Me

Mom

Dad

Man

Brothers - 4

Sisters - 2

 

Donate all my sensible work clothes and shoes to Dress For Success

 

Get local workers, movers, handymen, plumbers, and contractors to refit houses and make renovations.

 

 

Well life

Well life is just going right along.

low paying job... but employed.

living in a basement hole.... but I have a roof over my head.

chicken every night.... but I have food on the table.

stuck between a rock and a hard place.... but not falling into the chasm.

All in all I don't have what I want but can be thankful that i am not as bad off as I could be.

you know what

Sometimes you have to sit back and think really hard to find anything to be happy about thankful for or feel good about. I woke up this morning. I am healthy enough to walk the 3/4 mile to get to my job from the bus. And todays bus had aircondisioning. I have a job. My parents are still with me. My family is relitivly healthy. Thank you for small blessings.

 

 

 

Well I might be crazy but I warn everyone coming in

There really are no words for the fact that a much of strangers got to see me kirk out today. I mean I have more then quadrupled the number of people alive who have seen me cry in my life in one horrid morning. FML

 

This morning I had the biggest mood swing of my life. I went from screaming vehement anger to broke down crying cause nothing was ever going to be good again. And I would be damned if someone was going to tell me to calm down or that it wasn't a big deal.... the car rental people messed up my reservation. No its not that big a deal but in the middle of the mood swing EVERYTHING is a big deal.  So I guess I made it though a winter without needing them. But moving in with my family and being busted back to the state I was in when I was 18 really needs the little blue pills. I have been thinking about it a minute the muscle pain has been getting worse not better as the weather warmed this year. Happy this is going to be a long weekend. I will take the time to ramp up onto the little blues and feel better about life in general next week.

 

 

 

 

What a difference an evening makes

OK maybe sometimes when a man says its not that I just have to take care of some stuff. He may mean that shit. got off work on time for a change so I could go get pampered. Just what the doctor ordered. Yes please sit there and give me a body rub for then entire evening. I am all about that. This is why I can't stop talking about this man. what the fuck I am done. He opens doors, wants me to spend time with his friends, makes me lay the fuck down and just chill the fuck out. he calms me. oh yeah ladies and gentlemen we are all about the M I C K E Y!!! Oh Mickey you're so fine. My Mickey. damn he does put me out like a mickey. drowning and panties on the floor. LMFAO.

 

 

 

Wanted:

man who

• listens to me, who I can listen to
• cares for me and I can care about
• is a part of my life and will want me to be a part of his
• makes me want to be a better me
• encourages me and accepts encouragement from me
• believes in my dreams, will will trust me with his
• tolerates my friends at a minimum
• can communicate his likes and dislikes to me effectively
• listens
• I can believe in
• wants to be mine
• Understands me
• feels my crazy is an asset
• likes to go have fun outside
• enjoys cruises
• is as mean as me
• wants to be a team in life
• is not a spectator of life
• wants to be a better person
• can cook or is willing to clean up after I do
• can do laundry and does
• can keep a bathroom in good shape

day two

Well second full day of being cut off from 1. Well I am alive and not crying. so thats something. in the mean time i am having a ball with my mickey. but he is leaving town here soon. suck a bunch of the bad luck. I guess it will be up to jock to pick u p the slack.

 

Well if the roster wasn't so full I would be shit out of luck this week. why are so many men so afraid of a little biology. it happens every damn month and every month its like a ghost town in my place. Damn you could at least have dinner with a bitch while she feels crappy. Not that my mickey is leavin town cause of that he is working. thats just bad luck. but that first one who abandons me every fucking month. what the fuck!

 

ripped weekend

OK

 

see sometimes you got to look up and ask the universe "why you playin with me". this shit ain't cute. why is it that when I get over a dude and try to move on. that's when they want to give a fuck and talk about how much they care about you for you and love you. BLAH BLAH BULLSHIT. This mofo took 2 months to get around to that shit. I am not sure what he thinks I am supposed to do with the info. Though the polish selections were awesome. The man does have good taste. And at the moment he is asking for weekend time only so I may see about it. I don't know.  Fudgywudgy - ok so the Lion is pissed about that thought altogether. but I am not sure that I still want to be part of the pride. The costs are kinda high and I am not really good at checking in and shit like that I have never been to jail so I am not good at having a warden.