OK

Trying to make it through the day with NO MOTIVATION sucks a bunch. Well I am going to get through this day and get the fuck out a little early. Find me a man to put on my bruised feelings and go on about my week. thank all that is holy and good that tomorrow is Friday. I am not sure I could take anymore days this week.

 

 

wasted

I am not sure there is anything wrong with my issue. maybe it is the fact that I am supposed to think something is wrong with me. I have never met a man I want to have children with. I have never met a man who I wanted to have around to eternity. I have never met a man who made me blissfully happy. Never been so happy I cried. Never been filled with the joy of a man's love. I have been forgotten, unappreciated, neglected, marginalized, abused and made to feel like I wasn't enough. Where is that fucker. That bastard ass piece of a prince that the stories all say is coming. Well where the fuck is he. He is late... probably dead.

 

Not that i haven't been wanted. Being wanted is a nice substitute for love. but it doesn't last. Because it is based in parts and portions. so ya you think I'm hot sexy. Guess what You ain't along. every niggah in the club thinks I look fucking smoking in this mini.

 

Someone who truly cares. Calls you if you haven't called. comes to check on you when you are sick. Calls you if your facebook post just seamed "a little off". Nope none of that here. And I get to sit and watch all these average and ugly women happy and blissfully supported by men who actually look at them like they are the world. A man who loves them flaws and all.

 

Puzzled by the process. have never maybe will never find someone

Missing

Well now isn't this a fine predicament. been in this thing for 3 years as his chick on the side. Wow let a  change begin and a motherfucker will jump ship like no clue. What I am not allowed to have a primary relationship that I put first. Yes that does mean above your ass. You are living with another woman. I mean really do you think that i can take a commitment to you into consideration. Let me spell it out to you. You can not have a primary relationship at home and another one in the streets. No that still makes me the girl on the side. I mean I have no complaints about the perks of the position but there will not be any stupidity on my part thinking that I will be more to you ever. I am not stupid, young, foolish, or naive. You can try that story on the next one. Time well spent is never regretted. but staying too long can be a bitch on the psyche.

 

 

Monday again

Monday is here again. I am tired as all get out. But it was a good weekend. I didn't get to work at all but hey what are my evenings for anyway right. looks like i will be at work 12 hours a day for a while at least.

 

Woot vitamins.

 

Had another great weekend starting on thursday again. I think I may be addicted to a man again. what the hell. why can't i just put my mind on me some time. of well.

 

My room is spotless my kitchen is clean and my laundry is sorted into bags by wash type. I am at least on top of my house work. So I guess I am not loosing myself into this one as bad, which is good.  Today we will try to get our hair done or at least dealt with. Then tomorrow begins Laundripalooza.

 

so bored and ready for tuesday.

Wow that was a good stop to the shit

OK so the shit storm stopped with the death of a good friend. In the midst of it all I end up in the arms of a guy who used to be just a friend of years. kinda wonderful guy. shorter then i am usually attracted to, but any guy who finds you a headband to hold your hair while you throw up from the depressive bender, then proceeds to stay with you for a couple of days to make sure his boo is ok. Well its a new kinda odd start after a couple of disasters. Wow. really just wow of how ugly shit can get. Things had me so stressed I spent the first night waking up from nightmares about pain death and fear. Lots of fear. Johnny you are my superman. coming out of that shit to calm gentleness puts your mind back to reality gently. Reality where no one is hurting me or my people. Reality where I am safe and warm and cared for. I slept for 30 hours with that man. And I do mean slept. Like I was in a coma. Wake eat potty then back to the warm sleep cloud. never been cuddled that good in my life. I feel rejuvenated and just a little sleepy if you can believe that.

 

 

 

 

Well if it aint raining

Another friend to  bury.

Short walk in the rain

At least it was a short walk in the rain when my car broke down this morning. Oh yeah. I am not feeling this. I have been stuck in so many shit storms it just feels like that is the normal for my life. If something isnt going horribly wrong you aren't looking in on my day. It does get to be too much though.

 

 

Well its another day at work,

Why am I hiding at work. Well my dating life has been so bad lately I have contemplated just batting for the other team till I can get my shit together enough for a man to be bothered. What the fuck. People are supposed to be perfect or at least be perfectly happy about their situation. Guess what some of use are bitter about their situation. And constantly being told its wrong doesn't help the feeling. Constantly being told you are too negative doesn't help me feel any better about the day. I don't know how to be positive. No correction I don't know how to take the daily disappointment of being positive. at least if I am expecting the worst I get to be pleasantly surprised when something good happens.

Thoughts

why is it men profess to not want a slut. but if you don't sleep with them on the first date you never hear from them again. Well isn't this a fine ass chunk of shit we are stuck with. What they should say is they don't want a woman who is slutting it around with everyone just someone who will be their slut. What the hell. I am so sick of that shit. i am not stuck up cause i won't suck your little dick when I meet you. what the fuck. I give up. I am really done looking for Mr. Nice Guy cause him and all his nice guy friends are DEAD!

 

New favorite song

"When You're Mad"

By Ne-yo

It's just the cutest thing
When you get to fussing (cussing)
Yelling and throwing things
I just wanna eat you up
I don't mean no disrespect
When I start staring
Knowing that it makes you madder (uh, oh)
I'm sorry but seeing you mad is so sexy

[Hook]
Could it be the little wrinkle over your nose
When you make your angry face
That makes me wanna just take off all your clothes
And sex you all over the place
Could it be the lil' way you storm around
That makes me wanna tear you down
Baby, I ain't sure, but one thing that I do know is

[Chorus]
Every time you scream at me
I wanna kiss you
Baby when you put your hands on me
I wanna touch you
And when we get to arguing
Just gotta kiss you
Baby, I don't know why it's like that
But you're just so damn sexy
When you're mad

Baby, don't think I don't take you seriously
But I just can't help the fact that your attitude excites me (so exciting)
And you know ain't nothing better
Then when we get
Mad together and have angry sex (I'll blow you out)
Then we forget what we were mad about

[Hook]
Could it be the little wrinkle over your nose
When you make your angry face
That makes me wanna just take off all your clothes
And sex you all over the place
Could it be the lil' way you storm around
That makes me wanna tear you down
Baby, I'm not sure, but one thing that I do know is

[Chorus 2x]
Every time you scream at me
I wanna kiss you
Baby when you put your hands on me
I wanna touch you
And when we get to arguing
Just gotta kiss you
Baby, I don't know why it's like that
But you're just so damn sexy

Every time you scream at me
I wanna kiss you
Baby when you put your hands on me
I wanna touch you
And when we get to arguing
Just gotta kiss you
Baby, I don't know why it's like that
But you're just so damn sexy
When you're mad

Changing times

Sometimes things in your life that seam like a stable force are really the leash tying you to a big pile of shit. But you can live without it. so you remain stuck dragged down and back every day. I wish I was strong enough to do it all but I am not. Can't be

 

Past it all

Well it doesn't matter what is thought. it doesn't matter what is said. shit works out like it always does. I'm just glad I have learned something in all the time I have been here and brought my ass home. I knew you were full of shit. I feel into that crap again cause its so nice to listen to the good words as you flow um in my direction. The picture is always to great and comes down to the fact that you aren't ever actually into me. Yeah you and every other nigga on the planets trying to get his dick wet. Fuck it all. I am tired of fighting the shit. I am tired of having to feel like i am not enough for anyone good enough to be loved or to have the truth told to me. i guess in that past life I was a bad person and I don't know how to correct the stain on my soul the whole world can apparently see

NEW MAN PROBLEMS

Don't tell me I can have everything I want. I want a lot. Don't tell me you are OK with how I do what I do and are willing to enable it. Shit. How am I supposed to keep my footing  here.

 

I don't have time to be falling for some man.

 

 

February 15th

And yes we had a not great Valentine's day itself as our other had to work and so was unable to visit But we did get a great stop in on Sunday the 13th. Good friends good food and my man stopped in to take me shopping. Total treat and surprise to boot.

 

I got a killer pair of shoes a nightie set and a pound of new panties. Very nice.

 

I would have to say that is number Three. Three being the number of good valentines day gifts I have had. Two of those have come from the same man. The current record holder.

 

 

12:29pm same shit friday

Well yes we have it people. the truth about why all "African American women" are without good companionship. According to this bitch "Khadija Nassif" we should all learn to be vulnerable because men want to take care of us... What the fuck ever. Do you know any stay at home moms who are black NO YOU DON'T because we are all making the money to support ourselves and our entire family. Why you may ask... well according to this person, and I use that term lightly here, because we are trying to hold onto black men... Guess what foolish woman but I have been dating white men and hispanic men and black men since I could date; iincluding my white husband. and no it didn't get me a man who wanted to take care of me and raise a family, No hasn't made me any less an angry black women. if anything it has made me worse. because unlike most of my sisters I know the truth. All men no matter their race don't care anymore. They do nothing but take and take till you have nothing left to give anymore and so either they will leave you or you will leave them. And unlike Ms Nassif I don't think that we as black women should try to emulate asain women cause all men seam to like them. I don't give a flying fuck about trying to live my life subservient to anyone. Relationships used to be about companionship and going through life together. now this bitch tells me that I need to be someones servant to be worthy of being loved and cared for.

 

I think it is in the difference of how we perceive life. Life is a struggle and you want your equal to go trough life with. To bad there really aren't too many men black or otherwise who are as strong as a black woman. Blame it on slavery and the tendency that any strong willed black man was killed at the first sign of be uncontrollable. Blame it on the media, where the "angry black woman" is demonized and belittled. blame it on popular culture.... whoever you dicide to blame it doesn't matter to me... because I am an Angry Black Woman and I am proud to be. Funny how history overlooks meek black women but angry ones start revolutions and change. If Ms. Parks hadn't had her angry black woman pantis on that day I would still be sitting in the back of the bus.

 

So to all my angry sisters out there black white asain or otherwise. Hold onto yourself build your pride to shield you from the shit the world throws our way. And keep on dodging these halfwitted bitched out there telling the world there is somthing wrong with us.... THERE ISN'T We jsut do our thing a little differently.

 

 

9:15am shit friday

Surrounded By Inconsiderate Mother Fuckers

 

 

I awoke today to what I thought would be the most inconsiderate fuck of my day... Oh yeah I was wrong and it is only 9 in the god damn morning. My roommate who insists that the house be quiet till 10 in the morning started blasting some shitty show at 8:20 this fucking morning. I mean really is you are going to force other people to have high levels of considerations to you everyfuckingday maybe you would like to adhere to those "rules" your damn self... But I guess not its fine to inconvenience the rest of the damn world as long as you can get your beauty sleep right... FUCK OFF.

 

So I leave for work an hour early to keep from killing the bitch and off to Starbucks..... cause coffee makes things better. Hope it will kill of my fucking migraine but I doubt it. the people in there were great the girl got my drink right and I am off to feeling like the morning is going to be better.

 

So I'm off getting my jam on with the radio.. To my utter annoyance some old fuck is now in front of me gesturing at me through his fucking window and slowing way the fuck down. Guess what The world doesn't revolve around you you geriatric fucker. No one was talking to you I was singing with the radio trying to get my day back on a happy note and you fucked 5 miles of single lane traffic for 9 count them 9 cars behind you. FUCK OFF.

 

So I am now at work 45 minutes early. Thank god there are only two morning people at this company and they have been condition to know that a grunt mean Hi how you doing and they leave you the fuck alone till your coffee kicks in. And as it is Friday there are some people who don't work today. Though I wouldn't trade weekend work to get Fridays off. I don't get that one.

 

So here I am at work trying to swallow the shit that was my morning. Really people can we all just treat others with the same shit we want them on heap on us. I am at a real impasse in my mind as to why people want to deal out shit and get roses. I have spent my life doing what was expected and what was necessary to make others lives happy and what the fuck ever. no one is doing that for me. Not once not ever. It has always been my lot to have to sit and just take whatever the fuck people dealt out at me. I am tired of it.

sometimes you have to hate your life

if you never hate your life and feel like shit every day for a while how do  you know when something good comes along. 

New Favorite song

All the things your man won't do 

by joe

Hey love 
You say you need someone 
To be there for you 
To love you all night long huh 
It's kinda funny but 
I don't think you have to look no further 
Because I'm right here 
And I'm ready 
To do all the things your man won't do 

Tell me what kind of man 
Would treat his woman so cold 
Treat you like you're nothin' 
When you're worth more than gold 

Girl to me you're like a diamond 
I love the way you shine 
A hundred million dollar treasure 
I'll give the world to make you mine 

[La, la, la, la, la] 
I'll put a string a pearls right in your hand 
Make love on a beach of jet black sand 
Outside in the rain we can do it all night 
Out to tour the places he would not 
And some you never knew would get you hot 
Nothin' is forbidden when we touch 

Baby, I wanna do 
All of the things your man won't do 
I'll do them for you (Whoa) 
Baby, I wanna do (Hey) 
All of (All of) the things your man won't do (Every little thing) 
I'll do them for you (Yeah) 

I'll take you out on a night cruise 
On a yacht, just can't lose 
�Cause we got a lot to look forward to 
1-2, what ya gonna do 
What good is a diamond nobody can see it 
I hear he got you on lock down 
But I got the master key, yeah 

[La, la, la, la, la] 
I'll light a thousand candles all around 
Show me to the subway, I'll go down 
Nothin' can be sweeter than the sound of makin' love 
Baby, when I start I just can't stop 
I'll love you from the bottom to the top 
Nothin' is forbidden when we touch 

Baby (Baby), I wanna do (Hey...) 
All of the things your man won't do (Every little) 
I'll do them for you (Ooh...) 
Baby, I wanna do (I wanna do, yeah) 
All of the things your man won't do (Oh) 
I'll do them for you (Yeah) 

And oh...oh...yeah...yeah...oh, yeah 
Oh 

[La, la, la, la, la] 
I'll light a thousand candles all around 
Show me to the subway, I'll go down 
Nothin' can be sweeter than the sound of makin' love 
Baby, when I start I just can't stop 
I'll love you from the bottom to the top 
Nothin' is forbidden when we touch, ooh , yeah 

Baby, I wanna do (Oh) 
All of the things your man won't do (I'm gonna, I'm gonna, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh) 
I'll do them for you (Ho) 
Baby (Baby), I wanna do (I wanna do) 
All of the things your man won't do (And oh, yeah) 
I'll do them for you 

Ooh, I got a jones in my bones for you 
There ain't a damn thing that I won't do 
I'll make your body cream with my sex machine 
I won't stop until I hear your mother scream 

Baby, I wanna do (I wanna do) 
All of the things your man won't do (Whoa, oh, oh, ho, ah, yeah, yeah, hmm) 
I'll do them for you 
Baby, I wanna do (Wanna do) 
All of the things your man won't do (Yeah, whoa...whoa...) 
I'll do them for you (I wanna do it for you, baby) 

Baby, I wanna do 
All of the (Oh, whoa) things your man won't do 
I'll do them for you 
Baby (Oh, yeah), I wanna do 
All of the things your man won't do (Oh, yeah, oh, yeah) 
I'll do them for you 

Baby, I wanna do 
All of the things your man won't do 
I'll do them for you

To the Max

What the hell. You really really like them. you aren't trying to wear them. its about me in them... 

WOOTY WOOT WOOT,,,, oh but you won't... cause I have a...

But you will do that thing I love... not as often as I would like...

you do care.. about... for... maybe.... 

I don't have a place here.... competing with the art. fleeting...

Gone to soon, but here now... february will be lonely. 

the thought that I should be better circles me. eats my confidence and so I am quiet. soft spoken... unsure. 

your touch screams in my ears and deafens me. contact thorough searing away bringing moisture.

All to for about with me. its me. Its all me. hard soft push pull. a dream yearning my fancy.

Why is it that I can't have you forever. 

ode to Daddy

You are there for me always. Even when I am at my worst. If I can call with a problem between work hours monday through friday.

You make me feel like Im the bestest little girl ever. Some of the time. Others you make me feel like I am not "enough". 

You spank my ass and cause me all kinds of good pains. though I could use a few that have been missing. I could use less tears.

i love being your little girl. Though another lives my place. years is a hell of a wait

You bling up my Christmas cause "thats what your little girl likes".  odd that it feels like a bribe to overlook. 

I am so tired of being in my place out of my place. Freedom is starting to look nice from over here. freedom is lonely.